The Inner Circle

So I admit it’s been too long since I’ve shared some thoughts.  I also admit that old patterns of negative thinking engulfed me somewhere in December and didn’t let go until I beat them back with a stick in the new year.

My husband will tell you I’ve almost always been one of those people that sees things as “me against the ENTIRE world”.  I’m not sure where I picked that view from…sure I was picked on as a kid by classmates for various reasons and even though I was smart I felt I was always ‘proving’ my worth to people…but we all have baggage of some variation from our childhood, so that’s not a good reason.  I have become more aware of this attitude and work on changing it.  But every now and again some unwelcome, sad thought finds a crack in my foundation and gets in and festers.  This was one of those times.

I can no longer remember what thought got in, but the spiral downward was fast and hard.  The slap to the face (& wake-up call) came when I mentioned to a friend how I was feeling and this friend simply dismissed what I was saying.  Now, I realize she did not want to pity-party with me and that honestly wasn’t what I was after…I just wanted to be heard.  Sometimes we simply need someone to listen to what has been weighing on our hearts so we can release it and move on.  I do have someone so very special to me (beyond my husband) who will do that and I did reach out to her later that week to talk things through.

This started me thinking about who I let in to my inner circle…or more precisely, who I PUT in my inner circle.  My pattern seems to be: meet someone and get to know them and begin to trust them, thrust them into my inner circle, then wonder why they aren’t there for me when I need them.  This is simplified somewhat to keep my ramblings in check, but this appears to be the pattern.  My expectation of friendship is apparently out of whack.  Not everyone wants to be that far in to the inner circle and certainly not everyone deserves to be that far in.   As I move through 2014 I will be more aware and cautious of who I allow to have that much access to my heart, soul and vulnerability.  I will not close myself off, but I will not blindly allow everyone in so close so quickly.

I have set some goals this year to get involved in some new groups to meet new people.  Not only do I need some new people in my life to keep it interesting and fresh, but I need to continue to let people know about my business – I can’t grow it if no one knows I’m here.  It is amazing when you are with a group of positive, uplifting, energetic, fun-loving people (especially women) how your mood and outlook can change.

I have also realized that I am really good at giving love to people, but I am not so good at ACCEPTING and EMBRACING love that is offered to me.  I am working on that because it feels so good to walk into someone’s open arms and be able to be vulnerable and myself.

I am feeling better and the cracks have been filled.  It’s a new day each and every day full of possibilities and love if I will just keep my eyes and heart open to them. 🙂

If any of this rings true on some level, then I encourage you to look at your inner circle to see if those who are there belong there.  Also, begin to look for ways to accept love from those who might have been offering it all along.   You have the choice to be happy.

Peace and Love,

Tamara

careful, CareFul, CAREFULLLLL

As I was preparing to host Thanksgiving dinner for my family, one of the things on my “to-do” list was to rinse the china.  It had been well over a year since the china had been used and it had collected a bit of dust while sitting patiently in the china cabinet.  This china is very special to me…it was my grandmother’s.

I have such fond memories of time with my grandparents…spending a couple of week (or more) over the summer at their house playing Old Maid, getting Dairy Queen ice cream, listening to KC Royals baseball games on the radio, picking tomatoes and digging up potatoes from the garden.  I could go on and on, but back to the china.  I am the oldest of seven granddaughters.  I was the first one, and for a while the only one, to get to sit at the “adult” table and eat off the pretty plates with the delicate blue flowers adorning the rim – blue is my favorite color.  It made me feel so grown up!  I remember sitting at many Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Easter dinners eating off that china and feeling special.  I remember being told to be careful with it and I was.  It was a privilege (at least in my child-mind) to get to use the pretty china.

When grandma passed away over 16 years ago, I was lucky enough to be granted the gift of this china.  I don’t use it nearly as often as I should – that’s a whole other post…but it has been with me and I have even displayed a couple of settings in the display portion of my china cabinet.  I smile each time I look at it.

As I was pulling each piece out of the cabinet and taking it to the kitchen to be rinsed I would hear the word “careful” in my head.  While rinsing each dish and moving it to the towels set out on the counter to dry, the word “CareFul” was a bit louder in my head.  When I was washing and putting the pieces back into the cabinet after Thanksgiving dinner the word was “CAREFULLLLL”.  It made me stop and think…if I broke a piece would it really change my memories of those wonderful times, would it change the fun dinner I had just hosted for my family, would it lessen the special place my grandmother has in my heart???  The answer is no…sure, I’d be sad for a bit for the accident and incomplete set, but nothing in my life would change.

This started me down a path of “what if we treated our relationships with the same care and delicate touch we save for our china?”  What would that be like?  What if we said only kind things to ourselves instead of constantly yelling at ourselves for all of our perceived faults?  What if we shook our heads in corny goofiness at our significant other’s forgetfulness instead of engaging in all out war over a forgotten chore?  What if we really listened to the words our friends are saying when getting together with them instead of checking email, social media, or the text from our kids about an issue that Dad really could have handled?  Would we be happier?  Would we be able to see the good right in front of us instead of only the bad?  This concept doesn’t have to be reserved for those closest to us either.  It can (and should) extend to coworkers, bosses, employees, business clients, the checker at the store, the crazy driver who just cut you off in traffic, and the people on the other side of the world whom you don’t know but share space with on this planet.

If we don’t treat our relationships with care we risk losing them and relationships when gone leave a lasting void, unlike losing a piece of china.  Sure, some relationships can become toxic and may need to be released and some run their course and weren’t meant to last a lifetime.  It takes courage and strength to assess the way we treat others (and ourselves) and change that treatment, but I wholeheartedly believe it is worth it.  Start with yourself, give yourself compassion and love and go from there-see where it takes you.

Compassion…it can change you and the world.

Peace and Love,

Tamara